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By dougl1kj | Blog , Counseling , My Kids Program
As a Christian counselor with youth I long for break through sessions where a teen I am working with finally “gets it.” I was talking with a teen boy recently and reflected to him that it “sounds like life feels like a big pile of manure right now.” He agreed and began to reflect on that idea. We began to discuss the redeeming power of Christ in making all things new, even a pile of manure, when he had that break through thought. He said, “manure can be used as fertilizer.” “Wow! That is an awesome thought” I replied. What does manure do? It is stinky and dirty but when used as fertilizer it makes things beautiful and healthy.
And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away. Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” Revelations 21:4,5a
Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. 2 Corinthians 5:17
In Revelations we are given hope in knowing that eventually all things will be made new and there will be no more sorrow and no more pain. But 2 Corinthians reminds us that if you are “in Christ” being made new is not just a future hope but a present reality. We can live in a world full of manure and come out smelling like roses if we use that manure as fertilizer instead of just letting it stink up our lives. Too many teens and others are just living with the manure as they get swept away by a culture that openly mocks God. As Christian counselors we help these youth and people of all ages find hope in the redeeming power of the Lord.
Many of us struggle with understanding why God allows bad things to happen in our lives. While attending a training on the Art of Marriage program by Family life recently we were presented with the idea that “God does not protect us from the things he will perfect us through. “ What a beautiful and accurate way to understand God’s plan. God allows the manure in our life not because he is mean and wants us to stink but because we need to recognize the reality that, apart from him, we are lost and in need of redemption. That “manure” can either make us hardened and callused or it can be the very thing that God uses to set us free. It is his intention that, just like when manure is used as fertilizer to produce beautiful flowers and healthy vegetables, our suffering is used to produce beautiful and healthy things in our life. He wants us to be made new!
Are you feeling like life is a big pile of manure right now? Maybe a teen or someone else you know is feeling that way? Would you let one of our Christian counselors come along side of you or your loved one and help them be set free and made new. We counsel both locally and through skype so that location and schedules are not a barrier to receiving Biblical counsel. As Christian counselors we long to point people to the redeeming power of Christ and help them take the manure they are living with and use it to fertilize the growth of healthy, beautiful and pure things in their life. God longs to bless you!
Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you,
And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you.
For the Lord is a God of justice;
How blessed are all those who long for Him. Isaiah 30:18
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By dougl1kj | Blog , Coaching , Life , My Kids Program
Redefine the Problem with Parent Coaching
“My Kids” Therapeutic Parent Coaching Program
When you look at it the way you have always looked at it, you will see what you have always seen. We have been programmed by our culture to think in behavioral terms.
“My child is defiant…manipulative…controlling…dishonest.”
“I can’t let them get away with this.”
“If I don’t make him feel bad, I am a bad parent.”
“I have to give a consequence (even thought they aren’t working)…maybe something more severe will work.”
“This time the sticker chart will work, they will want to earn TV.”
If you are cool with that way of thinking about things and don’t want to see things differently, you probably should stop reading now. For the rest of you, open your minds to a better way to connect to your kids!
We are human beings, not Human doings!
We treat our children as if they are human doings instead of human beings. Why is this? It’s because our world has programmed us to look at behaviors and not at the individual. Think about it…insurance companies won’t pay for treatment if behaviors can’t be measured…many parenting books see kids, from new born to adolescents, as manipulative brats…If you walk into Target with a screaming kid under your arm while smiling and wave to people who are staring at you, they talk about you behind your back (or am I the only one who does that?). Anyways, our world is about compliance not connection. God created us to connect and for compliance to come out of those connections. Neurologically, the executive functioning part of our brain (the prefrontal cortex) is designed to make decisions based 90% on our understanding of relationships, and based 10% on rewards and consequences.
“What you do does not determine who you are, who you are determines what you do.” Neil Anderson
If this is true, traditional parenting approaches are very inadequate! We need to redefine how we see the problem if we are going to change how we parent. What would I do if I didn’t see my child as defiant, manipulative, or controlling? I’m glad you asked! At the root of all negative behavior, your child’s and yours, is insecurity. When I am insecure I react out of fear. Why do many parents give consequences? Because they are afraid of what will happen if they don’t or that their child with think they “got away with it.” Why do children act up? They are stressed and become insecure because they don’t know how to manage it. They haven’t developed the connections necessary to help them regulate their stress.
When I am stressed, or when one of my kids is stressed, we chose either the green (secure) path, or we chose the red (insecure) path. If I see my child’s behavior as defiant or manipulative I am more likely to go down the red path which means I react with the same consequence (maybe more severe this time) that has never worked (If it worked you wouldn’t still have to do it). This reaction leads to disconnection with my child, failure and limitations in our relationship. If I redefine the problem and see my child as stressed and insecure instead of defiant and manipulative, I am more likely to move down the green path. I stay regulated and connect with my child. This gives them the opportunity to connect with me and regulate their stress. This leads to success (you are successful even if your child doesn’t comply right way because you have stayed regulated and changed the pattern…eventually your child will regulate and connect to you and begin to change his behavior). This path also leads to more possibilities to connect as the relationship grows and behavioral patterns start to change.
Are you ready to go on this journey or do you want to stay stuck in old patterns that haven’t worked? If you are ready to transform your family, our parent coaching program is for you!
To get there you have to begin the journey, let’s get started!
By Stephen Luther
Executive Director of Grace Wellness Center
Licensed Professional Counselor and Therapeutic Parent Coach
www.thegracewellnesscenter.com
My Kid’s Therapeutic parent coaching group on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/890155804375744/
Grace Wellness Center on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/gracewellnesscenter
By dougl1kj | Blog , Counseling for Pastors
Years ago, my youth pastor suggested that we show a movie titled “The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe” and I thought ‘what kind of weird movie is this?’. Witches and talking animals have nothing in common with the Bible! Upon watching however, I found it to be an excellent presentation of Biblical truth. When it comes to mental health, far too many pastors and Christians have the same attitude as I toward C.S. Lewis and the movie. Like myself, once they actually investigate, they come to a whole new understanding and appreciation.
In the beginning, God created man in his image; body, soul and spirit. We are the very pinnacle of God’s creative work. We are spiritual beings with blood coursing through our veins; capable of faith and cell reproduction; offering praise, prayer while living complicated, delicate, emotional lives. While we are fearfully and wonderfully made, we need to acknowledge the full extent and effect of the fall on our mental health. We were created upright in righteousness and holiness, of sound body and mind, but Adam’s disobedience tore asunder what God had otherwise joined together. Most will acknowledge that the fall impacted man physically. Few reject the teaching that the fall impacted man spiritually. For by one man sin entered into the world and all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God is fairly clear. It would seem logical that the fall would impact man emotionally as well and the reality is that we are not just prone to sin but to psychological breakdown.
In evangelism today, faith and mental health is something of an elephant in the room. We all know someone – we may even be that someone – who suffers from the disorienting effect of the fall on our whole person. It is time then to address this topic in the open.
Having the right biblical categories is crucial for sorting through the myriad of challenges posed by mental health for the church. There are spiritual problems, there are physical problems, and there are emotional or mental problems. When one is depressed, it is an emotional and spiritual problem that can lead to physical problems. When only addressed as a spiritual problem, the individual is told to “read your Bible and pray so that you drive the depression away”. Often the reality is that this counsel intensifies the depression. The Bible is not ineffective; the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. The brain is not able to apply the truth it reads. Address the brain so that the Truth is comprehended and then the depression dissolves. All biblical categories are addressed instead of only one.
There must be training for spiritual care and soul care so that modern culture no longer enables our pathologies. The Bible is a sharp, two edged sward; able to cut the thoughts and intentions of the inner most man. As that is the case those using it for spiritual care need to be trained lest they cause more harm than good. Pastors and lay counselors are first responders. Often they come upon a spiritually or soul injured person. Like the first responder who triages the accident victim and then takes to them to the emergency room physician so must those who are not trained for intense spiritual and soul care refer intense treatment to those who are equipped. Great harm is done by those who lack the training. There is a reason why Paul said a pastor needs to be mature and that we should be slow to approve one for leadership. This applies to providing spiritual and soul care for those broke in their emotions and thinking.
We need to candidly discuss faith as it relates to issues such as eating disorders, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and depression. The Bible is quite blunt. It is also quite clear about sin. As followers of Christ and as the Bible is our guide we should not shy away from real topics being experienced by real people in our real world. People with mental illness need the Lord. They are all the same. They all need us to be open, candid, honest.
The stories of those who are most visibly emotionally impacted by the fall need to move us to tears. In response, we need to offer comfort from Scripture. Their stories need to inspire to engage in the life of the community of faith in new ways as we seek to love one another in Christ. Far too often those with a mental illness are the lepers of the evangelical church. While not out loud, inwardly we scream “Unclean, Unclean”. We don’t know what to do with them so we ignore them with hopes that they will go away. Somebody should help them. Anybody could help them. But when the day ends nobody is who addresses them. To quote Paul again “God Forbid” or as modern translations read “May it never be.”
Jesus came to heal the sick, not those who are well. In this, his power is on display in and through our weakness, as he sustains us and works to bring about the redemption of our whole persons, body and soul. He keep us in his tender care, and the sufferings of this present age are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us on that great day of salvation.
Let us be like Christ.
By Dr. Phillip Huggins
Spiritual Director of The Grace Wellness Center
Counselor and Biblical Life Coach
By dougl1kj | Blog , Coaching , Life
As Christian Life Coaches, we begin by pointing people to the scriptures to see that we were clearly not made for ordinary lives, we were created for so much more.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. John 10:10
But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. Romans 8:37
Why do many Christians settle for the ordinary? Why do so few even seek “abundant life?” Why are most Christians not even conquerors let alone “more than conquerors?” Why do so few think it is even possible? While there are likely many reasons or variations on why, I believe that it boils down to two related issues…unbelief and fear. Living in fear leads to foolish decisions and ultimately failure. Repeat this cycle long enough and you begin to believe it is all you can do. At this point you are thinking “but I’m not afraid of anything.” Some men are even insulted by the thought they might be afraid…well sorry guys but like it or not we all have fear at the root of our failures.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. I John 4:18
When I step outside of God’s love I step right into fear. I am not talking about the “fear of the Lord,” that is the only fear that is rooted in love. All other fears are rooted in self love. Does that make sense? If I am walking in God’s love it casts our all other fears but if I am walking in the flesh, pride, self love, I live in fear of things not being how I want them to be and act foolishly based on those fears.
Let’s look at this a little closer. Why do I get angry at my wife? Because things aren’t the way “I” want them to be. In my pride, I lash out at her because I am fearful I won’t get what I feel I need. I act foolishly and end up with a worse mess than I had to begin with. I don’t find peace until I begin to walk in love. This love casts out my fears and I can see clearly to make better decisions. In my fear and anger I have torment as described in I John 4:18. When I walk in love I find answers and greater success. In fear there are problems, in love there are solutions.
Let me put this in a different context. I started Grace Wellness Center a little over 5 years ago. I had no idea what I was doing but believed God lead me to begin this ministry. I followed his leading but then quickly fear took over. I feared failure so I acted in desperation in a number of pursuits. One of those was investing $15,000 in radio ads that didn’t work. When they weren’t working I just kept acting in fear and stubbornly kept trying. I couldn’t accept the loss of $5000 dollars and felt I needed to make it work, so I kept listening to my sales rep that “it just takes time.” Then I couldn’t accept losing $10,000 dollars and felt I had to make it work or the money would just be wasted. I kept convincing myself foolishly that “I” could make this work and recoup my money. I felt “I” had to do this. Then one day I got to the end of myself and got on my knees and asked God what I needed to do. God didn’t meet me with the judgment or disgust I had for myself. He met me with love and I felt him physically lift me up off my knees and heard him tell me “it’s not your job to pay the bills, that’s my job.” I realized at that point that my role in this was to be faithful and to abide in him. With this new contentment and walking in his love, I began to make wise choices and the business began to take off. Five years later we have 15 counseling and coaching centers throughout western PA and offer Biblical Counseling and Biblical Life Coaching to anywhere in the nation via phone or skype.
Whether you are experiencing failure in your relationships, career, health, parenting or any other area of life, Biblical Life Coaching can help you turn those failures into successes. We have several highly qualified coaches with specialties in every area of life waiting to help you find success. Will you partner with us and let us come along side you on your journey towards abundant life?
A wise man will hear and increase in learning,
And a man of understanding will acquire wise counsel, Proverbs 1:5
By Stephen Luther
Executive Director of Grace Wellness Center
Licensed Professional Counselor and Biblical Life Coach
By dougl1kj | Blog , Coaching , Life
What does Christian counseling and life coaching have to do with chickens? I’m glad you asked! Let me begin with a story about my chickens. When we first got our chickens we had them in an area enclosed by a 4 foot fence. It didn’t take long before the chickens figured out that they could get over the fence. What did they do when they got out? They crossed the road! So I raised the fence and they couldn’t get over it. However, it didn’t take long before they found a gap under one area of the fence and, you guessed it, they got out and crossed the road. I was left pondering a very real question about why the chickens crossed the road. It seemed as though they had a singular focus of getting to the other side and nothing else mattered.
As I pondered this, I began to think about how we are much like that. We often put the blinders on and pursue our goal without really thinking it through. We react and often get run over by life. Or, alternatively, we don’t pursue our goals because of fear of what we cannot see. A wise chicken keeps his goal, the other side of the road, in focus but broadens his view to consider other important information such as whether a car is coming. He acts wisely. Do you often get run over by life circumstances? Or do you stand on the side of the road afraid to cross because of uncertainty of what lies ahead? If you are like me, most times, you can’t see those cars coming at you. Often I need someone to come along side me and help me see where I am about to get run over. So let’s look at the process.
He who walks with wise men will be wise,
But the companion of fools will suffer harm. Proverbs 13:20
Life is full of stress. Often we see stress as the enemy, but stress is good if it is kept under control. It helps us know that we need to act in some way, keeps us sharp and builds our resources for not just coping with life, but living the extraordinary and victorious life God calls us to. When we are stressed, we will proceed down one of two paths, the path of the wise chicken or the path of the unwise chicken. These two paths are routed in one of two primary emotional states, love/security or fear/insecurity. If I can stay on the wise path, I will act in love and security. I don’t act hastily but I do act. I think things through and seek wise counsel. If I stay on this path I will find success and possibilities will unfold before my eyes. This is the green path on the diagram below. If however, I chose the path of the unwise chicken, I will react either by proceeding without considering the potential problems that will run me over, or I stand paralyzed. Both options are motivated by fear and insecurity. This WILL end in some failure in life and will bog me down with limitations and problems. This is the red path on the diagram below.
At Grace Wellness Center our Christian counselors and life coaches specialize in helping you be a wise chicken. What areas of life are you struggling in? Where are you getting run over by the circumstances of life? What areas are you stuck in and can’t see past the limitations before you? Our counselors and coaches would love to come along side you and help you be a wise chicken…are you ready to live the extraordinary life God designed for you to have?
To get there you have to begin the journey, let’s get started!
By Stephen Luther
Executive Director of Grace Wellness Center
Licensed Professional Counselor and Biblical Life Coach
By dougl1kj | Blog , Life , My Kids Program
Parenting for Connection not Compliance
Therapeutic Parent Coaching
Have you ever heard that you should pick your battles in parenting? What if I told you that you didn’t have to battle at all? You would think I was nuts right? Well I might be, but the fact is, you never have to battle with your kids. It’s true!
Luke 6:45
The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart.
God commands us to be obedient but that is in the context of a relationship. Luke 6:45 tells us that what is in a person’s heart is what leads to the outward expression of either good or evil. If we focus just on this outward expression, we battle. When we focus on the heart we don’t have to battle, we learn to connect and dance with our children.
“Dance? What do you mean dance? I don’t like to dance!”
I am talking about doing a relational dance with your kids. When your child (or anyone for that matter) engages in a negative behavior, they are communicating something to you. They are insecure and acting on what is in their heart. Are you listening? When we address the behavior we battle. When we address the heart, we dance.
All negative behavior comes out of some insecurity that your child can’t regulate. When we battle our kids, they perceive us as against them and as a threat to what they are trying to do to resolve the insecurity. What if you could help them deal with the insecurity and not get caught up in battles no one wins? “Wow, that would be cool!”
Dancing 101:
Do you want more? Try Parent Coaching, it will help you learn to dance with your kids and transform your family. Let us know if we can help!
Psalm 127:3-5
3 Behold, children are a gift of the Lord,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one’s youth.
5 How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;
They will not be ashamed
When they speak with their enemies in the gate.
To get there you have to begin the journey, let’s get started!
By Stephen Luther
Executive Director of Grace Wellness Center
Licensed Professional Counselor and Therapeutic Parent Coach
www.thegracewellnesscenter.com
My Kid’s Therapeutic parent coaching group on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/890155804375744/
Grace Wellness Center on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/
Enjoyed this post? Want to know 4 HUGE SECRETS to parenting? Click here or the logo below.
Has this spoken to you? Would you like to speak to someone directly? Click here.